My friend What If

Dear Helsinki,

So much has happened since I wrote you, and I know I had promised to send you more letters as we now finally have established this long due correspondence but the past two weeks have truly been eventful.

I learned to write and read Hindi, although in the pace of a snail but nevertheless I am now somewhat literate in the language of my roots. I got an apartment despite the odds, and in fact I am not moving too far away from your vibrant heart which makes me so extremely happy. My non-military service of 347 days have come to an end, and it was genuinely a fantastic experience that I will remember fondly; well perhaps just the most amazing bosses I had and also a good friend that I made there. I attended a Restaurant Day with my family, and my stomach thanked me for the Ethiopian, Spanish and Tibetan food I ate from the stalls that people had built for the beautiful day. I discovered new songs that I am now sharing with you. I even called the students health services to make an appointment, something I have prolonged too long. Just like writing to you, my dear.

So I have done quite good, for most of it. But you know me, there are always moments when I stop to think, overanalyse and it is always a frustrating rat race that leads nowhere. I have attempted to unlearn it, or at least endeavoured to make my mind less occupied without much success. And I think I have been doing it wrong for a very long time. All the problems I have with what I am or with you or the world and life, I go straight to putting them in them background. Pretending that I am working on the issues while in fact I just try to ignore them.

I guess with this trace I should learn to accept, and let her be in my care. To the extent she does not control my behaviour to the extent that I go frantic and race to image dozens of mostly horrifying scenarios.

Perhaps you do not want to hear everything, but I need and want to be frank with you. It comforts me that I have someone to confine to. I know you care, and you will not judge but it will take time for me not to explain you all this because I do feel apologetic for bring this to your attention while I should just enjoy your love. One day I will believe you wholeheartedly when you say I am always here for you, no matter what.

I have been thinking about the past, again. I just walked back home in the rainy night, and watching you dancing with buckets of drops in the lap of streetlights, I got lost in my memories. Looking at the radiant flux flirting with dark, I took a walk down memory lane.

You know I worship yesterday. Sometimes I think live for the memories, both bittersweet and merry. I guess it is the certainty that makes the past feel like ecstasy. It all has happened and unlike the future, I can rationally arrived to logical conclusions about the events that took place in my life. Regrets that could had unfolded differently had I acted other way.

I think a lot how I could had been better, how the life I currently possess could had been more like what I had expected it to be. But at the same time without the events that have taken place I would had not met all people who now are my friends. I would had missed out on the happiness, which required me to make flawed decisions.

I should be content with the way things have settled, and look forward to the future that will bring unexpected joy. Nevertheless I cannot shake off my tremendously burdensome friend What If. I know I should let go of her because what she loves the most are the never-ending rat races, which takes so much of your time but give you nothing in return.

Often I feel bad about having her around, but despite the warnings, I will not walk out on her. She is a part of my life and admittedly her company sometimes is a bit too overwhelming. But What If also offers me perspectives to life and helps me to avoid making the same mistakes that love cooking regrets. And sometimes she is just simply entertaining. I just cannot anymore let her to be one of the essential beings that determine my existence.

Because the danger in spending time with her is that before you notice it, the rest of the universe has fast-forwarded and you have missed out on life.

Just so you know the memories rushing through my mind, as you so ridiculously danced with the raindrops, were good. I have not seen the people for five years or barely talked to them since I dropped out of college. Yet they are still able to put a smile on my face. I am really lucky, my Helsinki.

Lots of love,


PS. I know I am a clumsy dancer.


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