I am worried about Brussels

Dear Helsinki,

Once again I am responding to you rather late, but let us be real. I am sorry but I do not think I will change as soon as you would like me to, no matter how much you would dream because the real life — despite how fast we think it goes — moves on as fast a snail would reach the top of the Eiffel Tower. We are not big enough.

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I am visiting Brussels this Sunday and I will be there for a week. I have visited her thrice after he left me, but this visit is longer than any other and I am pretty scared of going there again. I do look forward to meeting the few friends I have in Brussels, but I also know it is not completely unexpected for me to bump into him as in the end the city is not big enough for the kind of people we are. During one of my visits someone called my name as I walked by this bar at the heart of hers, and although it was not his voice, it was alarming enough for my soul to race to the moon and leave my body. The voice belonged to his friend. Who lived in Belgrade. And just happened to be visiting Brussels the same two days I was there, just happened to have a drink in a bar at that very moment I was passing it.

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I know that ultimately I will not see him. But honestly speaking I think, or well imagine what it would be like to hear voice and see his face. Because even after two and half years his presence reigns my kingdom. I experience him, both consciously and my dreams and I do not how to stop torturing myself any further. I feel just like the blond girl foolishly in love with someone who will never answer her longing, you know ones you might see in a reality show and you cannot help feeling how this person just does not realise to move on. I would like to think it is the world, it is all of us. But maybe it is just me who is not big enough. Continue reading

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