I am worried about Brussels

Dear Helsinki,

Once again I am responding to you rather late, but let us be real. I am sorry but I do not think I will change as soon as you would like me to, no matter how much you would dream because the real life — despite how fast we think it goes — moves on as fast a snail would reach the top of the Eiffel Tower. We are not big enough.


I am visiting Brussels this Sunday and I will be there for a week. I have visited her thrice after he left me, but this visit is longer than any other and I am pretty scared of going there again. I do look forward to meeting the few friends I have in Brussels, but I also know it is not completely unexpected for me to bump into him as in the end the city is not big enough for the kind of people we are. During one of my visits someone called my name as I walked by this bar at the heart of hers, and although it was not his voice, it was alarming enough for my soul to race to the moon and leave my body. The voice belonged to his friend. Who lived in Belgrade. And just happened to be visiting Brussels the same two days I was there, just happened to have a drink in a bar at that very moment I was passing it.


I know that ultimately I will not see him. But honestly speaking I think, or well imagine what it would be like to hear voice and see his face. Because even after two and half years his presence reigns my kingdom. I experience him, both consciously and my dreams and I do not how to stop torturing myself any further. I feel just like the blond girl foolishly in love with someone who will never answer her longing, you know ones you might see in a reality show and you cannot help feeling how this person just does not realise to move on. I would like to think it is the world, it is all of us. But maybe it is just me who is not big enough.


Despite all, I look forward to visiting Brussels again. I have been accepted to a programme where young leaders around Europe have been invited to shape the ideal Europe and I am excited to take part in such a project. Besides I have a few friends of mine living in the city now, so not all has to remind me of him or the life I had with him in Brussels. I have attempted and partly even succeeded to make memories of my own, but there is still much more to face. Each visit is another victory. Although I guess Paris is the decisive battle.


Last weeks have been somewhat hectic and otherwise rather unhurried. I am a student again and my contract with my previous came to an end. I miss my bosses, as I already told you, who are the best bosses that anyone could ever imagine. It had been odd to visit university buildings that I have previously walked by, but never entered. The feeling has been surreal, resembling a dream. After seven years, I am studying again with you my Helsinki. What are the odds?


I have moved to another apartment, met some new people and attended courses. Perhaps the most outrageous thing I have done was taking part in the French Language Club where I ended up accidentally: I was about to photocopy a book that I had to borrow from the Language Centre Information Desk but the lady behind the counter told me she would allow me to have a book awhile longer if I joined her to the first meeting. She caught me at a fragile state so I thought why not and suddenly I was in a small language group where all spoke in French with three native speakers.

I know it does not particularly interesting or funny, but it was a big deal for me. I despise speaking French and I am not even too sure what for I am throwing to shove the language down my throat, so by going to the meeting I completely stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to at least attempt my best. Obviously I mumbled and my tongue got confused, but it was the first time I spoke French without being a) in a class or b) in drunk. And I do think I will go there next week again. At least they know not to have any expectations of me.


And I forgot to mention you: I got hooked on Geordie Shore in these past few weeks. There was nothing on television as all the shows are still on summer break and I was so desperate that I just had to start watching this piece of art that so many people had talked of all over the world. I do regret my decision, but I kinda understand the fuss. And yes my darling, the foolishly in love blond girl-metaphor comes from Geordie Shore.


I better go and sleep now, Helsinki.


I love you.


PS. The walk from my previous home to previous walk must have been the most beautiful work journey in the world. I will sincerely miss it. Thank you for letting me experience it, my darling.


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