Once again it has been too long since I have written you although I have thought of you quite often in the last few weeks. I have been unable to write you, because still I keep thinking of what others might think of you if I write you letters like this and I cannot shed the that feeling of being a pathetic loser who just does not know when you should fuck the shut up. Oh well. Here we go again.
I saw Say Lou Lou live this night in Helsinki and I was the happiest man in the world for a brief moment. I was disheartened last year because they were in Helsinki and I failed to see them. At the time I thought I lost my only chance to see them live. Let us face it, my darling, it is not like the most awe-inspiring artists tend to visit you very frequently because we all know how weird and out of nowhere we Finns are, but they for some great reason decided to visit the club once again this year. And they were fantastic. I loved how they have learned the few key words in Finnish (such as minä rakastan Suomi!!!) and explained the way Finland attempted to kill them with the most broken gig-bus ever. Woman they knew how to engage the audience and I was over the moon throughout the night, dancing on my own because none of my friends were interested in the gig. And I was so happy I went although I have been always a bit scared to attend special events on my own, but this concert made me realise I should just do things alone no matter how hard it might be. Because if you love something enough, nothing else matters is than to feel the beautiful songs lingering in your collarbones.
So yes Say Lou Lou was spectacular. I have been in love with the band for quite awhile, but the live concert was even more inspiring than I could had ever expected. For a short time I got lost in my mind while listening to them singing and it was a gorgeous place where I wondered during their concert. Their voice makes you go beyond the world we have experienced, Helsinki. It might not be the easiest place in the universe, but is something we all have once felt no matter how much we attempt to deny our heartache. And even if you do not care for their music, there was the most gorgeous drummer in the band that can feed your eyes. And imagine even though he was so ridiculously attractive I rather swam in the ocean of their magnetic melodies. I think that that tells you enough, no?
Besides the concert nothing spectacular has happened in my life. I might have forgotten to tell you about Prague. It was a short visit and I did not get the chance to talk to her about her most recent lovers, but we both know she is in a steady relationship with the world so there is nothing gossip-worthy to tell you here right now. I was surprised how content she was still, perhaps even a bit jealous but to be honest I have been envious quite a lot in the past couple of months.
Oh yeah, you remember the last letter I sent you? Well things escalated a bit.
The girl that had told him about the possibility of me moving me to Brussels deleted me from Facebook. Without any notice. Then I noticed that most of his friends had also deleted me from Facebook.
It hurt. Majorly.
Frankly only that one girl had been a friend of mine, others had been just people who were friends with him but for some odd reason had decided to add me on my new Facebook. Also this girl, we have not really kept in touch because we live so far away from each other and also our communication is a bit difficult because we speak no common language. Nevertheless while I lived in Osijek this girl has done all of her best to make me feel comfortable in a foreign city and I created a strong bond to her, I cared for her, I listened to her, I defended her when my ex was viciously angry at her, she was my rock the nine months I lived in a county where I knew no language, no culture, no people, no nothing besides him and her (who is his best friend). Even after our breakup, I visited her in Croatia because while I knew she was his best friend, I thought we had shared something as well and we could overcome the breakup and the fact I went to go see her made me think that actually had happened. But now she deleted me from her friend list with no explanation. I have tried to contact her without luck.
I have felt sad about it, Helsinki. Too sad, perhaps.
I came to realise that I have no one to share the nine months I lived in Croatia. Whenever people ask me for the reason I lived there, I tend to lie and answer that I moved for work. It is not a complete lie, but I would had not dropped out of college for the experience to be frank. Since he left me, I have felt rather sad about my relationship with Croatia and have attempted to ignore my entire desire to move back there, which has not been successful. Nevertheless I thought no matter what happened between me and him, I would still have this person who introduced me to the different wonders of Croatia, brought me to her home, introduced me to her friends, attempted to make me feel at home like no one else ever had and I fell in love with her. Our communication was difficult, she spoke English but not well enough for me not to be careful of the words I used and I spoke Croatian to the extent I could curse my ex. But there was something. And now there is nothing.
I feel as there is a chapter in my life that no one really knows anymore, something that seems a bit absurd. Do you realise that I did live in a small Croatian town called Osijek with a man for nine months, a man who told me two years after us not saying a word to each other that I have no right to greet him if there was a mere possibility for us meeting in a street though we both at the moment live in different cities, in different countries? Yeah there is a story to tell to people who ask about my life. They will fucking love it.
And I know I should not care, because it really does not matter. But as older I get, the more confusing life becomes. I had no problems to share my entire life out to the world, nothing. If I met a person that seemed nice, it would take me less than a minute and I would tell her everything about myself. And frankly speaking it was not a one-way street.
But I feel I should be more reserved. I should not tell you all this, Helsinki, because if I want to get a job I cannot tell you and all others how I feel because that could be used against me. While I attempt to wrap my head around that, I still cannot get it, I just don’t understand how it all works. If my post was a man who proposed me and I said yes, this all would be acceptable but when it comes to sharing our personal weaknesses we should restrict the rest of the world from knowing that we are hurt? It is just utter bullshit, nothing else.
And I have become more reserved. It explains my infrequent letters to you, my darling. I guess I have to change something, though. I will not stop writing to you, because ultimately I am still the same person you met when I was born. That boy who wanted nothing else than everyone to be happy in the world. Well ok, you know me better so let me correct that statement: That boy who wanted nothing else than to fall in love with a man who would fall in love with him.
This is not a goodbye, Helsinki.
Rather it is just a beginning.